Divorce – A Child’s Happiness vs. Personal Growth

                               

Divorce – A Child’s Happiness vs. Personal Growth

My favorite sound in the whole world is my daughter’s laughter. If she’s happy, I’m happy. In fact, just looking at her and holding her close fills me with joy, no matter how down in the dumps I might be. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.

For those of you who follow my blog, you already know that I recently divorced my daughter’s father. To give credit where credit is due, he is an excellent father and provider. My daughter adores him and she is his pride and joy. Like myself, there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her. As parents, we have always maintained a pretty even balance in terms of childcare. Often times, it is the mother who handles the bulk of responsibility caring for the child. During the baby/toddler years, I shouldered most of the responsibility, but I can honestly say that the past couple years have been pretty equally balanced. 

I’m not going to air any dirty laundry or get into the particulars regarding the downfall of my marriage, except to say that the last few years were very emotionally turbulent. The more we tried to get past our troubles, the worse it got. Like I mentioned in a previous blog (”The Final Day” - http://lilmisschris.wordpress.com/2008/04/30/the-final-day/ ), we needed to let go of our ties as husband and wife if we were to have any hope to become friends again. We needed to find peace as individuals, which we didn’t have as a couple. With our daughter being our number one priority, we needed to find a relationship that worked best for all of us.

Our daughter had nothing to do with our troubles, so wouldn’t it be unfair for her to suffer any consequence of divorce? It kills us both to think about breaking up her homelife…the big house with the yard, the neighbors who are like family, and most importantly – two full-time parents. Financially, being divorced could mean a huge financial hit, which means no more private schooling. And the public schools in South Florida are nothing to write home about. Trust me, having grown up in the public school system down here, I know firsthand.

He and I fought for years in this home, but we never fought in front of our daughter. Since the divorce, we no longer fight like we used to. In fact, we haven’t gotten along this well since our troubles first began four years ago. At the same time, we no longer view each other as man and woman would. Those dynamics have not existed in a long time and they are forever gone.  We have maintained seperate rooms for quite some time, but we are still a family and this is our family home. Our daughter doesn’t remember us ever being any other way.

So, my question is this – if we were able to get through the worst of times living under one roof as a married couple, is it wrong to want to keep the family unit intact as a divorced couple? Especially since we actually get along now?

I chose to write about this topic because someone, who’s opinion I deeply care about, recently asked me, “But how are you going to move on?”

Right now, I see it like this…. I HAVE MOVED ON. I am no longer angry and full of resentment because I saw no end to a failed marriage. I have fought my way out of the dark hole of depression I found myself living in for the past few years. I now have hope. For the first time in years, I feel like myself again – and I miss me! Perhaps this is just the first step in moving forward in my life as an individual, but to me it is HUGE. And for right now, finding this peace within myself is enough.

I’ve had more than one person say to me, “People get divorced all the time. The child will adjust to having two homes and only seeing her father on the weekends.”  Sad, but true – they will adjust. But is it necessary? Perhaps if my ex weren’t such an involved parent, it would be more of a consideration. But to take my daughter away from her father would be like taking away her most favorite toy in the world – and for what reason? So I can have my own bachelorette pad, that fits within the budget of my alimony? Come to think of it, of the people who made that statement, or ones similar - none of them have children. Until a person has a child their own, I don’t think they can fully realize how much they would be willing to sacrifice for the sake of their child or how much it can change their decision making process. I know I didn’t. I was completely clueless about parenthood prior to having my daughter. So many things I took for granted before becoming a Mom… (I see a new blog topic taking shape….)

I’m sure in time, my ex-husband and I will both need to move on with our personal lives, but until that time comes, why subject our daughter to a broken home, when we are capable of being loving parents under one roof? Why cause ourselves more stress emotionally and financially? Who knows how long it will even be before either one of us find serious involvement with another. We will wait to cross that bridge when we get to it.

I’ve had a lot of different reaction regarding this decision, but for the most part, it has all been positive. What I do find interesting is the opposite reactions of two people whom are close to me. Both are male, both are the same age with similar personalities, and both had parents who divorced when they were not much older than my daughter is now. Strange how they could feel so differently. I suppose each situation is as unique as the individuals involved.

My daughter’s welfare and happiness come first. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who couldn’t respect that and have the compassion and understanding to accept it. If my own personal growth and relationships suffer, or are setback because of my decisions, then that’s the sacrifice that I, as a parent, choose to make.

My child’s happiness vs. personal growth….it’s not even a contest in my mind.